"For The Way You Live"

I was three years old the day Go-Go left me inside Marshall Fields. Well, she didn’t exactly leave me. She passed out and forgot to tell the paramedics that I was with her. I was happily playing underneath a rack of women’s clothing. The circular shape of the rack and the way the clothes hung fashioned a perfect fort for me. I was fascinated by the shapes and colors of the clothing and was used to busying myself so I wasn’t a burden to Go-Go.

The Marshall Field’s was in Milwaukee where we were visiting my Aunt Marian. It was hot, very hot – or that’s the story Go-Go liked to tell to explain why she passed out. I now understand she had to tell a story because she didn’t want anyone to know she was pregnant.

I must have fallen asleep under the clothes rack. I didn’t know anything was wrong until I heard the intercom, “If there is a child by the name of Diane Kathryn Haas, please report to a sales clerk immediately.” Go-Go remembered I was still in the store and arranged to have Aunt Marian rescue me. It took forever for her to free me from the manager’s office in the back of the store. The clothing fort had been a lot more fun.

It was 35 years later when Go-Go confessed to me, in a haze of alcohol, that she had tried to abort me. She described the whole event in detail, from how her sister, Marian, found a doctor in another city, to the trip they took, and the consent forms in the doctors office. She said she felt horrible, she felt like a criminal, it was the worst experience of her life and she’d never forget it. She told Marian she couldn’t go through with it and we left the clinic. She vowed I would be her last child.

So that hot autumn day in Marshall Fields, when her seventh pregnancy was confirmed, she was convinced she would go through with the abortion this time.
It wasn’t just that she did not want any more children. She was planning to start fresh, and leave her husband to be with her boyfriend Roger. A new infant, even if it was Roger’s child, complicated things. She made the doctors’ appointment and a second time did not have the stomach for it. Peter was born the following June.

The stories she told me that night included that she was not certain who my father was when I was born. And it drove her crazy. It was 1959, she was raised a Catholic, thought herself as a good mother, a devoted wife and had ideas about women who had affairs. What I realized was I had been a walking symbol of her infidelity and she hated that.

Vacation Association

The after glow of our first family vacation in a fancy hotel came to an abrupt end when Go-Go discovered the damage done while we were away.

Judy had some competition and couldn’t go with us and when Go-Go finally gave in, Scott insisted that as long as Judy didn’t have to go, he should also be allowed to stay home. They were both still in high school so Go-Go asked my older brother Tim to drop in on them and make sure they were okay. What she didn't know is Tim had just received a bag of Seconals (barbituates) from our brother Tom in Vietnam and was more than happy to share them with his kid brother and sister so they could have a party. I think the party lasted the entire week we were away.

I was focused on how excited I was my friend Jackie was going with us. We drove in Roger's brand new enormous Buick with electric windows and we felt like we had our own private limo, even though there were four of us in the back seat. Somewhere along the way we stayed in a Howard Johnson motel with a swimming pool and telephones inside the rooms - it was a whole new world, one that was truly thrilling.

We were in D.C. for a week long conference for truck stop owners and operators. While our parents did grown up stuff, we were bused around on "kid friendly tours" to the White House, the Washington monument, the Lincoln Memorial and other points of interest. Jackie and I, being the precocious children we were, started skipping the tours to wander the streets of D.C. by ourselves. How we escaped death or serious injury is a mystery.

We had a blast. We swam in the hotel pool, ordered room service, played with my brothers and other convention kids in the hotel halls and ballrooms and wandered the streets around the hotel. We had never been to such a big city or fancy hotel as that Hilton. We spent the long drive home feeling like royalty.

When we arrived home to our apartment, the damage to the house was not immediately obvious. We hauled our suitcases in and were ready to have a happy reunion with our siblings and tell them all about our amazing adventures. It did not take long before Go-Go began to notice the cigarette burns. The more burns she found, the more unraveled she became. Within an hour of our homecoming, Go-Go was in a full fledged freak out, screaming, shaking, and crying until she was hoarse, but unable to stop her fury. She screamed for hours, days, weeks, and months. The good time vacation came to an abrupt and startling end and was replaced by Go-Go's rage.

The worst room of all, the living room - the one we rarely used because the furniture was too new to be soiled by dirty little children. Every single piece of furniture, including the lamps were covered in cigarette burns.

Turns out, Seconals when mixed with alcohol, make you fall asleep. When Go-Go stopped screaming long enough to get an explanation from Judy and Scott, they told her they had a party and their friends smoked pot. Even I knew that was a dumb story, and I was only eleven.